It is not pretty.

You just finished your really quick shower. Your hair is wrapped with a towel. Baby starts crying, you breastfeed on one teat while pumping the other, the newly laundered clothes are strewn all over the bed waiting for you to fold and sort, oh and you are still half-dressed.

Being a mother is not glamorous. It is tough. Plus, the roller coaster of emotions and constant worrying if you are good enough. Second-guessing yourself if you're doing the right thing. 

Then, you get a glimpse of your baby's smile. You hear their first squeal. You feel their warm little hugs. Their firm grip on your finger. Their gentle snoring on your neck. Then, it is all worth it. Who cares about the glamour?

Feeding Frenzy

Our daughter is turning 3 weeks old today. Her cluster feeding has begun.

I knew it was coming, and I have been pumping milk to make sure she has enough supply if my breasts get sore.

She. Would. Not. Stop. I am so sleepy. I'm at my wits end. I've already cried a few times. Feeling sorry for myself. But, what else can I do? Soldier on. It will pass, I know it will. It should. Life cannot be so unfair to women, really. 

I get my snuggle reward and that warm fuzzy feeling inside, anyway. That is the bright side. I should focus on that. Oh my snuggles. I love my baby.

Breastfeeding

I'm a slave. I'm stuck in our bed/couch and my shackles is our baby. I love feeding her, but she latches for hours on end. I can't do anything else. Although, what is more important than feeding my child? Nothing. So I am a happy/tired slave.

Poops and pees

I am the mother of a projectile pooper.

There I was, confidently changing her diaper. Thinking I had it down pat. Once I removed the soiled one, that one second where there was no barrier/protection - our baby shot out a straight line of poop. Like a water gun. It hit the wipes container, her crib - about 4 feet maybe. It was a sight to see! I wish I had a video of it.

Lesson learned: no dilly-dallying. Dirty diaper out, really quick clean diaper in. Doesn't have to be immediately perfect, just make sure you have that protection. 

I Feel Inadequate

Today, my husband went back to work. I am scared.

I'm all alone with our daughter.

I've been breastfeeding for almost two hours. I'm tired and sleepy. I'm getting impatient and I have to pee.

How can other moms handle more than one kid? 

I feel inadequate. I don't know what I'm doing. 

Am I capable of being a good mother? 

I was thinking that it was better when I was still pregnant, I did not have to worry about feeding and burping and changing diapers. I was sleepless, but I was free to do things. Unlike now, I'm sleepless and stuck in our bed/couch feeding/soothing/changing baby. We eat one meal a day because we haven't established a routine yet. 

I look at her face, and I feel so much love. The need to protect and give her all she needs. But, I also need to rest. Oh the the tumultuous feelings. 

What else can I do but cater to my offspring. We decided to have her and bring her to this world. In the palm of her tiny chubby hand, she has us under her control. Lots of complaints here, yes. But it is worth it. She is a wonderful gift that deserves to be taken care of. So precious. 

I know it will come, where we have an established routine and things won't feel as scary anymore. But, for now, I am horrified and totally outside my comfort zone.

Breast Pads

I used my breast pads for the first time today. We were going out for lunch and then supper over at my inlaws. So, we brought some formula with us to make it easy to feed our daughter. We ended up not using any formula while we were out for lunch because she slept the whole time. (Yay) while over at my inlaws, I fell asleep and my dear hubby fed baby with formula.

I thought I was getting so sweaty around my chest area (the sweaty underboobs) and the material of my dress was not the absorbent type (thank goodness!) - when we got home, my breast pads and my bra and my bra pads were soaked like crazy! What a waste! Now I know, I should feed baby or pump so I don't "overflow". 

What is the purpose of breast pads anyway? I do not understand the concept. It will absorb the milk, but you will still soak the rest of your top. So... I don't get it?

My leaky boob woke me up.

Today, I woke up not because our daughter was crying. I woke up because there was milk dripping from my chest through my shirt and onto our bed. It's like sweating but concentrated in one area. It was weird. I did not know it is possible to wake up from a leaking boob. 

What a waste of milk! I immediately pumped. :)